At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
