Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
