I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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