my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
