6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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