I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
