In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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