She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
