no, he came in my armpit
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
They should really pass out barf bags in church
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
