I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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