I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
ok first of all what the fuck
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
