I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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