I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
