Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just gargled with NyQuil
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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