He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
