Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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