Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
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