I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
