when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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