yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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