I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
