What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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