if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize