my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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