dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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