cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
