He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
