When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
