I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
