P.S. I can't hear my feet
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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