i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
