Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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