Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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