Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
