barbara walters just said penis...
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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