Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
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I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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