I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
