the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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