shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
