your parents love me but you hate me
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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