He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
is it fun? or sober?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
