I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
