it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
