Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
