there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
