there's paper in my vomit.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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