Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
We are two peas in an std pod
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
