I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
