It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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