Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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