i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
