mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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