just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
