I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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