Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
