just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
