you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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