We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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