Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
