I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Randomize
