just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
